What does "Normal Sex" really mean?

First published in the New Zealand Herald, 11th April 2026.

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/rachel-strevens-how-long-should-sex-last-and-how-often-whats-really-normal-for-kiwis/premium/Y4WE5AQSGBF2LLMP64SM6YK7DI/

“Normal sex”. 

Now there’s a phrase guaranteed to suck the fun out of things. 

People ask me all the time - “are we normal?” Honestly, I hope not. If “normal” sex is the goal, we may as well pack it in now.  

Usually, what people really mean is, ‘are we having enough sex’, ‘is it lasting long enough’, and ‘are other couples doing it more than we are’?  

If those questions are running through your head, I’m going to ask you to pause. Because the minute sex becomes a performance metric, it stops being about passion and intimacy and instead is replaced by pressure and expectation. And from personal experience, obsessing over things like frequency and duration can quickly sabotage your sex life.  

I get it though. Between social media, movies and pornography at our fingertips (literally), it’s no wonder so many couples assume everyone else is at it more often than they are. We’re surrounded by images of sex that look effortless, constant and wildly satisfying, which is all very well - but isn’t exactly a realistic benchmark for everyday life in 2026. 

That said, I understand the desire for reassurance. Maybe it’s sexual intrigue, nosiness, or that very human urge to compare - but most people want to know they fall somewhere within the realm of “normal”. So let’s look at the numbers. 

HOW OFTEN ARE WE GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS? 

A large-scale study in 2017 found that, on average, people have sex about once a week. If you’re under 30, it’s closer to twice a week. As we age, that number drops further. We also tend to have less sex if we have school-aged children. And perhaps most notably, people today are having less sex than in previous decades.  

That’s hardly surprising. Modern life is busy, stressful and distracted, and for many women in particular, the expectations only seem to grow. We’re expected to work, parent, manage the household, hold everything together, and somehow still feel effortlessly sexy at the end of the day. Men face a different set of challenges, including stressful careers, age-related health concerns, differences in libido that often become more prominent with age, and - for Kiwi men in particular - a lack of confidence in their bedroom capabilities. 

Are we happy about that? Apparently not. A whopping 85% of Kiwis say they’d like to be having more sex. But that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a magic number we should all be aiming for. Sometimes what people really miss isn’t more sex, but better sex - sex that feels connected, satisfying and worth having.   

So, before you start spiralling, remember that ‘less than before’ doesn’t automatically mean, ‘not enough’.  

When people place unrealistic expectations on themselves or their partners, it creates pressure and stress. And one of the biggest killers of sexual desire? Stress. 

It becomes a frustrating loop: Pressure to have more sex creates stress, stress kills desire, and desire dropping leads to… less sex. So perhaps it’s time to rethink those expectations.  

HOW LONG ARE WE SPENDING BETWEEN THE SHEETS? 

On average, men take between four and ten minutes to ejaculate during penis-in-vagina penetration. One self-reported survey suggests Kiwi men sit at the upper end of that range, averaging just under ten minutes. Interestingly, most New Zealanders - both men and women - say they believe sex should last at least ten minutes.

Women, however, typically take a little longer to reach orgasm - around 15 minutes on average, and usually through clitoral stimulation. 

Notice what’s missing there? Penetration. 

Less than one fifth of Kiwi women orgasm from penetration alone, which mirrors global research. 

This raises an important question: how are we defining sex? 

Is it purely penis-in-vagina penetration? We certainly shouldn’t be defining it that way, given those statistics.  

And if “normal sex” only refers to penetration, then unfortunately many women are missing out. 

SATISFACTION MATTERS MORE THAN STATISTICS 

As a sexologist - and importantly, an advocate for female pleasure -  when I talk about sex, I’m referring to a much broader spectrum of sexual activity, with the focus firmly on pleasure, connection and intimacy. 

This matters because, while sex isn’t the be-all and end-all for every couple, sexual satisfaction does play an important role in relationship satisfaction. And satisfying relationships are strongly linked to overall life satisfaction. 

Notice the key word here: satisfaction. 

Not frequency. Not duration. Satisfaction. 

Trust me, sometimes a three-minute quickie can be just as exciting and fulfilling as an hour-long marathon sex session - it comes down to context and connection. And if you’re currently only having sex once every couple of weeks - because life is busy - but when you do it’s incredible, isn’t that far better than more frequent sex that feels rushed, pressured or disconnected?  

MY ADVICE? 

Stop treating sex like a performance measure.  

Too many couples are focused on whether they’re keeping up with everyone else, while missing some far more important questions: is it enjoyable? And does it leave your relationship feeling stronger?  

Being present, mutual pleasure, erotic excitement, arousal, communication, novelty, emotional connection, vulnerability and intimacy all contribute to satisfying sex, and everything on that list takes intention.  

So, let’s expand your definition of sex to include a wider range of intimate experiences, and schedule connection, not just sex - whether that’s date nights, slow mornings together or technology-free evenings. 

If your sex life feels satisfying, connected and pleasurable, who cares whether it looks ‘normal’ on paper? Maybe it’s time to stop chasing normal altogether, and start focusing on what works for you, your partner, and your life right now.