Five conversations every long-term couple should be having (but usually aren't)

4 days ago

3 min read

First published in the New Zealand Woman's Weekly, 7th September 2026

New Zealand Woman's Weekly, 7 September 2026 issue.
The opening page. Questions one to three, and the reason I think the conversations we avoid are the
And the last two, which are the ones people find hardest to say out loud. Number five is my fav

Most long-term couples can organise the kids, sort out the groceries and decide where everyone’s going on holiday. But ask them to talk about sex and suddenly everyone’s looking at the floor. It’s one of the few parts of a relationship we expect just to work, without having to talk about it. But if there's one thing I've learnt, both in my own life and through working with hundreds of women and couples as a sexologist, it's that the conversations we avoid are often the ones we most need to have.

Great sex isn't about having the perfect body or knowing all the right moves. It's about staying curious, feeling connected and never stopping learning about each other.

So take a deep breath. Here are five conversations to help you reconnect, rediscover each other, and maybe even have the best sex of your relationship.

1. “What kind of sex life do we want?”

Life has a habit of getting in the way. Work, kids, tiredness, hormones, ageing parents... before you know it, months have passed and you've barely talked about sex, let alone had it. Sex becomes A Big Thing: loaded, awkward and easier to avoid than discuss. If your sex life could do with a boost, don't wait for it to magically improve. Pour yourselves a drink and ask, "What kind of sex life do we want?" Keep it realistic. What's one thing you'd each love more of, and one thing you'd happily leave behind?

2. “How does that feel?”

It's time to get unapologetic about your own pleasure and make peace with the fact that your partner (unfortunately) can’t read your mind. If something feels amazing, say so. If something isn’t working – tell him that too. We know that women are much less likely than men to orgasm during heterosexual sex, and one of the simplest ways to start closing that gap is by talking openly about pleasure. It might feel daunting at first, but it will get easier, I promise.

3. “Can I tell you something..?”

What’s your deepest, darkest fantasy? You know, the one you've never told anyone about, that leaves you a little flushed - and not the menopausal kind… Most people (97%, in fact) have sexual fantasies, and yet most of us avoid sharing them with our partners. I get why. It can feel very vulnerable to share something so intimate, but talking about a fantasy doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Even just having the conversation can bring you closer together. Although who knows, you might discover your partner has been fantasising about something surprisingly similar.

4. “When do you feel most connected to me?”

We often think good sex starts in the bedroom, but in my experience, it starts everywhere else. The challenge is that we don't all experience connection in the same way. You might feel closest after a long conversation, while your partner feels loved by a lingering kiss hello or a walk together without the phones. Unless you ask, you're both left guessing. Those moments of connection don't have to be grand, but they do matter, because they remind you you're a couple in love, not just two people taking it in turns to unload the dishwasher.

5. “What would make sex more fun?”

Somewhere along the way, sex can start to feel like another thing to tick off the to-do list. But if you’re not enjoying it, you’re probably not going to keep wanting it. Give each other permission to talk, play, and experiment. Ask each other - what would make sex feel more fun? Maybe it's trying something new, slowing down, laughing more or taking the pressure off altogether. There's no right answer, only the one that's right for the two of you.

None of this requires perfect words or the perfect moment, just a willingness to start. Pick a relaxed time, not in the middle of an argument or during sex, and lead with curiosity rather than criticism. A brave conversation now might just mean your best sex is ahead of you.